Can I say goodbye?

The last few days have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me.

I spoke with “Angel” a few days ago about my letter to Santa and she asked similar questions to MM, but was something that was niggling in the back of my mind. She said there weren’t any red flags, just that she was concerned about how I would cope when it was time to hand baby over.

That made me wonder, could I do it?

Were “Angel” and MM somehow suggesting that I couldn’t?

It wasn’t something they said, but me reading between lines I thought were there.

So, I withdrew into myself, was quiet, and when MM wasn’t around, I cried.

Were the people who’s help and opinions I value so much trying to tell me I’m not meant to have any babies? Was I never going to have that experience?

After a couple of days I said to MM, “I’ve been thinking…”

I told MM I was thinking that I was thinking about selling the cot and change table. It seemed crazy to keep them if we don’t/can’t do babies. Like a permanent reminder of my own inability to have babies.

It took a few hours for me to dribble my thoughts and feelings out to MM (thank you so much darling for being patient with me).

So, today I went along to the first agency support meeting for emergency and short term carers. It was nice to meet others who do what we do, except…MM and I were the only ones that take over 4 year olds. Most of them do babies only and one does 0-4.

One of the topics we discussed today was saying goodbye.

It was so nice to hear from the others, the baby whisperers, that they ALL cry when their babies move on. It was so nice to hear from one of the support workers that to cry is not only normal, it’s a good thing. What’s not good is if you cry for months.

So how do I feel now?
Energised. Normal. Ready.

I know I have a great support system with my family and “Angel” and the amazing MM, so I know, when we have to say goodbye and I end up in tears, that I will have lots of people there to talk to.

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