Demons I never knew I had

We had our annual foster care review this week.
I think it went well.
What’s strange is we don’t get a ‘report’ of how we are going. It’s more to review how we feel things are going, our highlights and challenges, and where we are going in the future. So, of course the Dear Santa issue was raised. I thought I was good, until the tears started. “Angel” and MM were both just expressing their concerns about the emotional challenges of saying goodbye to a little baby. When I could eventually speak, MM very nicely stepped out the room and left me with “Angel”. I think they both thought the tears were me getting upset in advance of a placement (Ok, I’m a sook but I’m not that bad!). I was able to tell “Angel” that the tears weren’t about that, but rather, I feel that them expressing their concerns is actually them telling me no, in a roundabout way.

Upon reflecting, it seems all those many people that have been in my life before now that have told me “No” I can’t have a baby their voices all combined and I thought that’s what my two special people were telling me. So, who’s told me no baby?
Well, there was ex no.1 “get pregnant and I’ll divorce you”.
Then no.2 told me if I couldn’t have a baby naturally, we weren’t going to have any…made that wonderful announcement on the way to the IVF clinic for our first appointment.
There was IVF Doctor number 2 who told me “If you were my sister I’d tell you to get another dream”
Doctor number 3 You’re best chance is with Donor eggs, which you have to find yourself.
My sister who said “No” when I asked her to donate eggs, and of course there’s mother nature who has made it so I can’t have babies.

Was it any wonder I figured these two people were also saying no?

I had a chat with MM after “Angel” left and told him I need to hear that it’s ok. That poor man told me that “It’s not a bad idea”, to which I of course replied “That doesn’t mean it’s a good idea”. He’s so very patient with me. I then got a real hug and a sincere, “It’s a good idea. I like it very much.”

And now today, I got  the most beautiful email from “Angel” stating also that it’s a great idea and a lot of wonderful things about us as carers (it counts as the report MM wanted if you ask me). It was so lovely I cried…again!

To MM and “Angel”, thank you both so very much for being patient with me and thank you for not getting upset with me for misinterpreting what you were saying to me. Thank you both for caring about me and supporting me in this journey. I couldn’t do it without you. xxx


One thought on “Demons I never knew I had

  1. Pingback: Just what the doctor ordered | Foster Care Tales

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