For those who are struggling with infertility, I know your pain and I know how hard this day is. A day that you want so desperately to be a mother, yet it hasn’t happened and you know it may never happen biologically for you. It’s one of the hardest days in the year. A day to celebrate your mum but on the inside is just pain and frustration at not being a mum yourself.
Last year was a day of mixed emotion for me. A day to celebrate the beautiful little Jade in our lives. A gorgeous little lady who stole our hearts and for whom we still shed a tear every now and then from missing her so much.
This year we have Bonnie and Raj. Raj who will be leaving us in the next couple of weeks and both MM and myself are so happy for him and more importantly, for the people that will have this giggly little boy in their family. I have my fingers crossed that he will go to a couple struggling with infertility, to make their dreams come true.
Bonnie is a blessing in a different way. She calls me mum. To this little lady I am the mummy one. I’m the one there in the middle of the night when the nightmares come after access visits to hug her and comfort her. I’m the one there to help her up when she falls over while she’s learning to walk and the one there for “more” horsie rides around the lounge room. This bonnie wee lass has filled the hole in our hearts when Jade left in a way I couldn’t have imagined. She has only been here 5 months, but, she is such a good fit in our home that it’s hard to imagine her not being with us. Only time will tell. In the mean time we will enjoy every minute we get to watch her learn and grow. Giggle at her funny little ways and hold her close when she struggles with the access visits.
Has motherhood come to me how I had hoped or planned?
But, this is motherhood as I know it, and I wouldn’t change a thing.
Being the foster mum to these precious children brings more joy than I could have imagined.
For those struggling with infertility, hang in there. Motherhood will come to you if you open your heart and mind to other ways of making your wishes come true.
Being a foster parent is the most amazing experience. I can honestly say that I am glad that life chose this path for me.
I have tried to write this blog several times and it gets deleted and put on the back shelf. Re-written only to be deleted time after time.
Today is the day.
I’m not going to go into a long medical history story, it still makes me sad.
So, the short version is:
I can’t have children.
Simple as that.
Adoption is too expensive and time consuming (looking at at least a 5 year process).
Where I live, you have to source your own donor eggs. I asked my sister, she said no.
What about friends you ask? I had had such a hard time with the egg collection process that I couldn’t ask someone to do that for me. I would hate for them to feel obliged to say yes because they are my friend. They knew the deal, they never offered and I never asked.
So, after my 3rd doctors opinion of “it’s not hopeless BUT….”
I looked at fostering. It was something I’d looked at years earlier, but it was time to revisit it. The brochure that I received said to wait for 12 months after any major life changing event. Marriage, divorce, death of a loved one, finding out you’re unable to have children. I ticked a couple of those boxes so I waited for 12 months. Marked the date in my diary and went on with life.
12 months later,
I started looking again at fostering.
I went to an information evening.
I filled out an application form.
And, the rest is history.
We had our annual foster care review this week.
I think it went well.
What’s strange is we don’t get a ‘report’ of how we are going. It’s more to review how we feel things are going, our highlights and challenges, and where we are going in the future. So, of course the Dear Santa issue was raised. I thought I was good, until the tears started. “Angel” and MM were both just expressing their concerns about the emotional challenges of saying goodbye to a little baby. When I could eventually speak, MM very nicely stepped out the room and left me with “Angel”. I think they both thought the tears were me getting upset in advance of a placement (Ok, I’m a sook but I’m not that bad!). I was able to tell “Angel” that the tears weren’t about that, but rather, I feel that them expressing their concerns is actually them telling me no, in a roundabout way.
Upon reflecting, it seems all those many people that have been in my life before now that have told me “No” I can’t have a baby their voices all combined and I thought that’s what my two special people were telling me. So, who’s told me no baby?
Well, there was ex no.1 “get pregnant and I’ll divorce you”.
Then no.2 told me if I couldn’t have a baby naturally, we weren’t going to have any…made that wonderful announcement on the way to the IVF clinic for our first appointment.
There was IVF Doctor number 2 who told me “If you were my sister I’d tell you to get another dream”
Doctor number 3 You’re best chance is with Donor eggs, which you have to find yourself.
My sister who said “No” when I asked her to donate eggs, and of course there’s mother nature who has made it so I can’t have babies.
Was it any wonder I figured these two people were also saying no?
I had a chat with MM after “Angel” left and told him I need to hear that it’s ok. That poor man told me that “It’s not a bad idea”, to which I of course replied “That doesn’t mean it’s a good idea”. He’s so very patient with me. I then got a real hug and a sincere, “It’s a good idea. I like it very much.”
And now today, I got the most beautiful email from “Angel” stating also that it’s a great idea and a lot of wonderful things about us as carers (it counts as the report MM wanted if you ask me). It was so lovely I cried…again!
To MM and “Angel”, thank you both so very much for being patient with me and thank you for not getting upset with me for misinterpreting what you were saying to me. Thank you both for caring about me and supporting me in this journey. I couldn’t do it without you. xxx
First of all I would like to thank you for 2 years ago delivering MM to me as a slightly early Christmas present.
Now, I know it’s only July but I thought I would get in early as I already know what I would like for Christmas this year.
This year I would like a baby.
As you know, I can’t have any of my own, so I would dearly love for you to bring me one. Anytime from November onwards would be great. A little boy or a little girl. I’m not choosy. Just one I can snuggle and cuddle and spoil a bit for Christmas.
I promise to be a good girl all year.
Please Santa, it would mean so much to me.
Love Cee Jay xx
PS. MM said it’s ok with him.
The blessing and curse for all women.
I find it a difficult day.
We, well I, asked that we not have any respite placements for the weekend.
We were due to have “Kelly”, and while I feel badly that we didn’t have her, having her would have been very difficult for me, so it was a kid free weekend for us.
My sister and her tribe of kids were off doing their own thing, so I was even spared from dealing with her and her 4 kids.
We had a lovely day, cooking lunch for Ma and Pa at the farm, and having no kiddies around we were able to talk adult talk, a nice change I must say.
Had a most pleasant surprise when we got home and I logged into Facebook.
I had wished all the mums a Happy Mothers Day and got home to see a couple of lovely replies from friends which I have to share with you.
“I thought of you with all the Mothers’ Day stuff. May you be appreciated and acknowledged! – and just share the love.”
and the other
“you too – enjoy!!
Making a difference for many lucky kids- ‘multi- mum’!!”
How blessed am I to have such thoughtful friends.
I may have an idea to make myself a super hero outfit now because I’m “MULTI-MUM”
What was your highlight of the day?