The aftermath

I was not prepared for my reaction after “Catelyn” went home to her foster family.
They are lovely people.
She is loved and looked after.
But, I wanted to keep her.

I know that’s not what we do.
I know that what we do is important.
I know we are providing much needed help for foster families.
I know all of those things.
I know that my work doesn’t have room for a baby at this stage. Well, that’s not true, exactly. I know that my work wouldn’t allow me to be the full time foster carer I would want to be, and to do it any way other than I would want to, wouldn’t be right.

But, that still doesn’t mean I don’t want to turn my life upside down on occasions for the little munchkins that come into our home and keep them all.

So many tears.
I cried to sleep, in the shower, during meals, on the way to work, between work appointments, for days.
MM was amazing, he never told me to “just get over it”.
He would just hold me tight at night and talk to me about the wonderful times we had with “Catelyn”.
I couldn’t have asked for more from him.
I even thought that maybe we shouldn’t look after babies anymore.
One was enough.
Enough for me to realise I do still really want a baby of my own.
Enough for me to realise that parting can be so hard.

My lovely PSW, I could just hug that woman, was so great. I talked to her, and she said to take time, to sit and reflect. She even went so far as to tell me that we are really good and self-analysing and working out what’s best for us. So we did, well, I did. MM is so amazing he would support whatever decision I made. Again, what more could I ask from this man?

So, a few days later, I was chatting with a friend and had a “light bulb”” moment. I was able to talk about “Catelyn” without tears. To share with her the beautiful weekend we had had. And the words that popped out of my mouth surprised even me. I said that it was such a nice change from the challenging kids we have, from troubled teens, screeming pre-teens to special needs kids. To have a lovely baby who cried just once for the weekend, was such a lovely change. Such a lovely balance to the more tricky placements.

So, I called MM and said…
I can’t guarantee there won’t be more tears (he replied, I can guarantee there WILL be more tears)
I can’t guarantee I won’t want to keep more (he replied, I can guarantee you will want to)
But, can we still do babies from time to time. Because it’s such a nice change of pace.
And, of course….he said yes.

Not sure how I would have gotten through this without him.
MM your love and support give me strength.
Thank you for all that you are.


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