The itch continues

How long does it take to get rid of head lice?

Well, it would seem over 2 months.

9 weeks ago we found that Kelly had head lice, again.

We found out after she had gone home from respite when we found lice in the hair of Bonnie and Tyla.

6 weeks ago we found that Kelly had head lice, still. We sat her down on arrival and checked her hair. We treated her hair on the Friday night, spent an hour Saturday afternoon combing her hair to remove eggs and another hour that night combing again, and then sent her ome early Sunday morning instead of the evening.

3 weeks ago she had no lice, but….so many eggs. We spent hours over the weekend combing her hair to remove eggs, but, there were so many, we didn’t get them all, but we made a dent in them.

This weekend, on arrival, head check again. I would love to say poor Kelly was clear, but she still had eggs. Not as many as before, but, still there. Heart breaking. That poor girl.

I messaged her carer and asked him to come straight back and get her. Not a happy man. But, this has gone on for long enough. We had made the decision to cancel if we found any lice or eggs on arrival. Our thought being that the only way we might get him to fix this properly is to inconvenience him. Sad that the ones who miss out are Kelly and the girls. Bonnie loves Kelly visiting and Kelly really seems to enjoy coming here, but it’s not fair on the little ones to get headlice, again, from a Kelly visit.

We’re hoping that SOMEONE will talk to him about the best way to get rid of head lice. He wont listen to us. We’ve tried. All the people we’ve spoken to about head lice, the advice is always the same. Treatments might get rid of the lice, but to get rid of the eggs, the best treatment is comb, comb, comb. Yes, time consuming, but it gets the job done.

How long does Kelly have to put up with this? She can’t do it herself, and she shouldn’t have to. We even wonder if she ever actually got rid of the lice from back in October. We made it clear then that respite would only continue if she was clear. It was 3 months before we saw Kelly again, so we assumed that all was well, but it was only 7 weeks after her return to respite that we found them again. Could she be that unlucky to get them again so quickly? Or were they never really gone?

There are several things about this situation that make me sad.

Sad that Kelly has this as an ongoing problem.

Sad that Bonnie and Tyla have to have their hair combed and combed and combed after a Kelly weekend to treat them for “itchy hair” as Bonnie calls it.

Sad that all of the girls miss out on spending time together. Kelly seems to enjoy being the big sister and watching the girls grow and learn new things and Bonnie loves having a big sister to play with and chat to.

Sad that Kelly’s carer doesn’t seem to be doing just that….caring for her.

We are due to see Kelly again in a couple of weeks. Lets hope that her social worker visits her in that time to check her out, have a chat with her carer and get this sorted out.

Itchy and Scratchy

Back in OCtober Kelly came for a respite weekend.

The morning after she arrived I found *gasp* an head lice in little Tyla’s hair. I was mortified. How could my little bubba have headlice. Then, I was brushing Bonnie’s hair and *gasp* found she had some too. What!? I went striaght to David and went through his hair. Nothing. What? Where had they come from? How did my gorgeous little girls get head lice?

Sitting at lunch I found the answer to my question.

Kelly had them. I could see them from across the table. How I didn’t see them Friday night I’ll never know. Her head was literally crawling with them. Thousands of them. It was the worst case of headlice I’ve ever seen. I took Kelly for a walk and we had a chat about the situation.

I was furious. Not with Kelly. By no means was this any of her fault.
But with her foster dad.
Kids get nits. It happens, but, how could he let them get this bad without proper treatment? How could he send her to respite without any consideration for us or more imortantly the other children in our care? How could he not bother to tell us in advance so we could decide if it was ok for her to come and also be prepared to deal with them.

Needless to say, EVERYONE in our house got nits. No one was spared. The following weeks were filled with hours of conditioning and combing the girls hair to remove the little critters and checking and rechecking everyone to make sure we were rid of them. Kelly wasn’t allowed back for respite until we were all clear and so was she.

It was 3 months before we saw Kelly again for respite.

3 weeks ago Kelly was here for respite and a few days later I found more head lice on the little ones. *Sigh* I couldn’t say for certain it was from Kelly, it could be from day care, but, I had a feeling it was Kelly.

I reported the nit problem to my support worker and we agreed that when Kelly was due again for repite I would check her hair, treat it if necessary, keep her the following day to comb those eggs out and send her home early Sunday morning, instead of the evening.

She came.

I saw.

I treated.

They haven’t been treated since she was here last, you can see that by the number of them. According to Kelly her dad knows she has them as he treated his bio-ddaughter during the week but told her to treat herself, which she can’t do because she has mobility issues. If that’s correct, and he knew, he sent her anyway, without checking to see if it would be ok, and again didn’t tell me at drop off.

We have on many occassions talked about stopping respite for Kelly because her foster dad is so difficult to deal with and has no consideration for our family. Knowing we have small children in our care he has sent her ( numerous times now) with head lice, a couple of times with gastro, and also with terrible head colds. It means we often cancel our plans for the weekend and then have sick small children to care for after Kelly has gone.

Kelly deserves so much better than the care she is recieving.

Our girls deserve so much more than the fallout from a Kelly visit.

This weekend the girls missed out on going to our foster agency Easter picnic and also to visit my parents. Why should Bonnie and Tyla miss out because of Kelly?

But, if we don’t provide respite for Kelly who will? Respite carers are in short supply. I know of carers who have waited years for respite, and being 15 makes it even harder to find someone to provie respite for her. If we don’t provide respite for Kelly, who is going to make sure she’s ok? Who’s going to advocate for her?

I’m torn between helping Kelly and keeping Bonnie and Tyla free of whatever bugs she brings with her.

My priority needs to be the little ones, but, how would we explain to Kelly we can’t provide respite for her anymore?

 

 

B.I.A.S.

B.I.A.S.

Brains In Arse Syndrome.

Who says that to a child with trauma and dyspraxia and learning difficulties?

Apparently Kelly’s foster dad.

That poor girl. Even in jest that’s a horrid thing to say to someone much less a child who has problems telling if someone is joking of not.

We reported this back to her case worker via the appropriate channels. I know they are working with him to help him understand trauma and it’s impact on children.

Kinship care is so difficult because there’s so little training and resources available for carers. Is it any wonder that 30% of the emergency placements we have personally had have been kiinship placements that have failed?

As foster carers we chose this path. We appilied to do it. We did the training and assessments, the home visits and interviews. We got into this with our eyes open, more or less, because all the training in the world sometimes can’t prepare you for this journey. But we chose to do it.

Kinship carers get a call, often out of the blue, to take in a relatives child, and sometimes it’s not a close relative. A cousin. A second cousin maybe. There is a mad scramble to get a background check done and a home safety check, but there’s no time to go through all the training. I’m sure in many cases there’s a cartain ammount of guilt that accompanies a kinship placement. It’s a relative, someone you feel obliged to help. They are innocent children. But, they are also traumatised children.

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if the department recognised that just because a child is placed with family, it doesn’t mean that the family instantly know how to deal with these children and what they have been through. In David’s case, he went to an Aunt that hadn’t seen him since he was a baby. When she asked for respite because she needed a break it was unavailable. Would that placement still be going if she had been able to get respite?

Kelly has been with her carer almost 8 years now, and to try and keep the placement going the department is FINALLY doing something with her foster dad. Giving him help and support and teaching him about trauma and how it’s affected  her brain developement and why telling her she has Brains in Arse Syndrome is adding to her trauma.

But why should things get to the point where everyone is ready to throw in the towel before something is done? Wouldn’t it be far better to earlier in the placement provide help, support and training? Wouldn’t it be better to try to prevent problems in the placement early on, rather than trying to repair it?

 

 

 

 

Visiting Raj

What a lovely afternoon we had last week.
We went out to lunch with the not so little Raj and his beautiful new parents.
So much love in one room.
Boy has Raj gotten big in the last three months.
My lap was a little bit happy when I handed him over to MM, I think my leg was going numb. But, that said he is so round and squishy and snuggly, it was just lovely having a cuddle with him, even though he had absolutely no idea who we were.

It was lovely to hear that they have followed the routine we had him in and that it’s working a treat for them. They are still wrapping him for sleep, but he has grown so much they need to use a cot sheet….had a big giggle over that. Raj was only waking once a night for a feed when he was here, and is doing the same for them, and sometimes sleeping through the night, so they are super happy with that.

We have received a photo every month on his ‘birthday’ and the occasional phone call and chat. It’s probably he hardest part for us, not knowing how much we can/should message them. We don’t want to be a pest but at the same time we don’t want to not appear interested. So we wait patiently for the next month photo to come along and then have a catch up chat.

They are just so happy together. Raj is  happy and content and both of his parents just glow with the love they have for their little man and are already talking about a second.

It has been such a blessing to be able to care for this special little man while waiting for the process to do it’s thing and it’s even more of a blessing to still be able to be a part of his life with this lovely couple.

Being Unique

Being unique is great. Embracing  you’re own special traits and standing out from the crowd is something we should encourage our children to do. Isn’t it?

What if being unique meant that you were the only teenage girl at school with your school top tucked into your track pants and the pants pulled up so high you can’t help but think of Steve Urkel from “Family Matters”? What if being unique meant that you were the only teenage girl wearing a school uniform that was at least 2 sizes too large for  you? What if being unique meant that you go to school reeking of garlic because your parent put so much garlic in your food it takes 2 days for it to get out of your system? What if being unique meant your school jacket was so big it fitted a 6 foot tall man and you were only 5 foot 3?

Kelly is that child. We try to help her, but we can’t buy her new school uniforms just because her foster dad buys the wrong size. I know he means well by buying something she will grow into, but Kelly is 14, so doesn’t have a lot of growing left to do, and her uniform is so big she would have to put on about 30 kilograms to fit it properly. Her school jacket fits MM perfectly and looks like she borrowed it from her dad and then tonight she arrived for respite with her shirt (which is so long it comes halfway down her thighs) tucked into her pants, so you can just imagine how that looked, all that extra fabric shoved into a pair of track pants.

Last respite she arrived and smelled so strongly of garlic you could smell her from the opposite side of the table, and it was 2 days before she didn’t smell of garlic. Imagine being the kid that has to sit next to her in class?

I have no idea to help her. I mentioned the oversized school uniform to her social worker, but I don’t think there’s anything they can do about it either. When she shows up with greasy hair I suggest she wear it in a pony tail. She’s just the kid in class that’s standing out for all the wrong reasons.

Sigh.
I wish I knew how to make it better for her. The saddest part, I’m not even sure if she realises that her clothes are way too big for, other than that I comment on it. Her clothes have never really fit her in all the time she has been coming to respite. We’ve taken to buying her clothes to wear when she is here so she has clothes that fit and are age appropriate. Yes, some of her clothes look like they came from her grandmothers cupboard.

What’s the most frustrating part, is her foster dad’s biological daughter never looks like that. She has trendy clothes that fit correctly and there is a clear double standard going on in the house.

I wish I knew how we could help her just be a normal teenage girl, but sadly with her foster dad and her disabilities she is never going to be that. She will always be unique, for all the wrong reasons.

 

 

 

The greatest gift

“The greatest gift you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return”.

That really sums up foster care in a sentence.

It is the greatest gift we can give the children that come into our home, the love that they deserve and the greatest gift they give us, is their love in return.

While I sit with tears in my eyes because another baby has left our home, and left me broken hearted because I will miss that gorgeous little gummy grin, the little baby babble, and the cute little chuckle, I know that those tears are because I have given that little person the love they needed to start off their life in a safe, happy and loving home.

While I sit with tears in my eyes because that baby has gone on to their forever family, I know that they know how to be loved and how to love. Every time we walked into the room or peered into the cot in the morning and that little face would light up with a great big smile is proof that they will love their new parents and bring them as much joy as they did us.

I have people comment that they don’t know how we do it, and to be honest, there are times when I am crying my eyes out that I wonder how and why we do it. Then I look at a photo of one of the babies we have cared for, and see the smile and know that they are smiling because while they are with us they know they are safe and loved and that that is why we do it.

The joy and happiness that these precious little people bring to our home far outweighs the grief that we feel when they leave.

So, for another day I sit and grieve for the precious little man I will no longer have cuddles with, yet at the same time happy knowing he has gone to a beautiful couple who have been waiting for years for a baby.

For another day I sit and remember the smiles and giggles with tears in my eyes that now another woman will be blessed with those smiles and giggles.

For another day I wait for another little person to come into our home. Another little person to give our greatest gift of all to. The gift of love.

 

 

Mother’s Day blessings

For those who are struggling with infertility, I know your pain and I know how hard this day is. A day that you want so desperately to be a mother, yet it hasn’t happened and you know it may never happen biologically for you. It’s one of the hardest days in the year. A day to celebrate your mum but on the inside is just pain and frustration at not being a mum yourself.

Last year was a day of mixed emotion for me. A day to celebrate the beautiful little Jade in our lives. A gorgeous little lady who stole our hearts and for whom we still shed a tear every now and then from missing her so much.

This year we have Bonnie and Raj. Raj who will be leaving us in the next couple of weeks and both MM and myself are so happy for him and more importantly, for the people that will have this giggly little boy in their family. I have my fingers crossed that he will go to a couple struggling with infertility, to make their dreams come true.

Bonnie is a blessing in a different way. She calls me mum. To this little lady I am the mummy one. I’m the one there in the middle of the night when the nightmares come after access visits to hug her and comfort her. I’m the one there to help her up when she falls over while she’s learning to walk and the one there for “more” horsie rides around the lounge room. This bonnie wee lass has filled the hole in our hearts when Jade left in a way I couldn’t have imagined. She has only been here 5 months, but, she is such a good fit in our home that it’s hard to imagine her not being with us. Only time will tell. In the mean time we will enjoy every minute we get to watch her learn and grow. Giggle at her funny little ways and hold her close when she struggles with the access visits.

Has motherhood come to me how I had hoped or planned?
No.
But, this is motherhood as I know it, and I wouldn’t change a thing.
Being the foster mum to these precious children brings more joy than I could have imagined.
For those struggling with infertility, hang in there. Motherhood will come to you if  you open your heart and mind to other ways of making your wishes come true.
Being a foster parent is the most amazing experience. I can honestly say that I am glad that life chose this path for me.

 

Boys, Boys, Boys

Teenage boys.

Teenage girls.

Argh!

When I began on my fostering journey I applied to care for children from birth to 12 years of age. I didn’t want teenagers. Then Kelly was turning 13, so we extended our age to 13. Now Kelly is 14, so we are registered for 14. And then along comes Indiana. A 15 year old girl needing respite.

Our support worker approached us about providing a night of respite for this lovely young lady to start with, and gradually build up from there as she is quite an anxious young person and they wanted to make sure that she coped ok with one night before having any longer respite.

It was going well, until just before bed time she checked her phone, and there it was. A long message from her boyfriend. Her long distance boyfriend. She was so excited as he had been on a cruise with his family and she hadn’t spoken with him for a week. That excitement quickly changed as she left the room to read the message in private. He was breaking up with her, without actually saying he was breaking up with her.

To our surprise she asked if she could talk to us. Indiana had only been in our home for a short meet and greet visit a few weeks earlier, and this was just 4 hours into her respite placement. We spent the next two hours sitting on the couch talking with Indiana about her text message, which she shared with us, and talking about boys and long distance relationships. It really was an honour to have her feel safe enough with us to talk to us. I really thought she would ask to go home to her carer.

We eventually got Indiana settled enough to go to bed, and in the morning she seemed better. We had a lovely day. Did a little bit of shopping in the morning while Kelly was at her dance lessons and in the afternoon we all went to an adventure playground for a couple of hours.

Indiana was collected later that afternoon by her foster carer and to our surprise that evening I got a text message from her. She wanted to know if it was ok for Indiana to call us. She wanted to talk to us more about her problem. MM and I were so surprised, but it felt really good that she wanted to talk to us again even though she was now back home.

I must say a big thank you to MM for being a part of the conversations with Indiana. I don’t know that I could have handled it on my own. Teenager problems. I felt I was way out of my depth, but together, we helped a young lady in her time of need. It will certainly be interesting if she comes back for more respite!

Raj

We have another baby.
If a 17 month old wasn’t enough, we added a new born to our home.
Baby Raj was just 3 weeks old when he arrived and he is so gorgeous.

He came to us from another carer in our agency. She sadly got ill and couldn’t care for him as she needed some medical procedures.

It is truly an honour to be able to care for this little man because he is super special.
Raj is up for adoption.
Last year in our state just 3 children were adopted, so it’s such a blessing to be able to care for this little man while the system does it’s thing.

It’s interesting to be a part of this process.

Before his tummy mummy can sign the consent forms to place him for adoption she has to go through counselling to make sure this is the right decision. Then once she has signed the consent forms there is a 25 day waiting period. I’m sure it has a proper name, but it’s like a cooling off period. Time that mum can change her mind, go into the office and rip up the paperwork. Then things move super fast. The first call to a suitable family is made, they have 24 hours to make a decision, and within the week baby Raj and I will meet with them, and if they are happy to proceed, within the next week Raj will transition to their home.

We have waited and waited for tummy mummy to sign, and this week she has.
It must have been such a huge decision for her to make. I can’t imagine how difficult it was for her. I’m so proud of her though, to put the needs of her child first.

Now the countdown has begun.

In approximately one month, our gorgeous boy will be adopted and live happily ever after.

He who shouts loudest

Just who is the system looking out for?

The children?

Or those that stomp their feet the loudest?

We messaged Jade’s forever family just before Christmas. We had something for each of the children (including their daughter) and asked if we could catch up with them. I know Christmas is a busy time for them. Because just a few days after it’s Jade’s brothers birthday and a few days later it’s their daughters birthday. As if Christmas wasn’t busy enough. So, we were disappointed to not hear from them straight away, but not surprised.

Time went on and we still didn’t hear anything. Maybe the novelty of staying in touch with us had worn off already

MM kept asking if I’d heard anything and then I suggested that maybe we could ask for a play date seeing as Bonnie is the same age.

5 days later and I got a text message that has broken my heart.

Jade’s new mum had some health issues before Christmas and the children were no longer with her and her husband.

They are with Aunty.
The same Aunty who was not approved to care for Jade when she was born.
The same Aunty who was not approved to care the Jade when the court granted a long term order.
The same Aunty who made demands on us to drive Jade over an hour for a family visit and then wasn’t courteous enough to even bother saying hello or thank you to us.
The same Aunty who works 3 jobs and has 4 or 5 of her own children.
How does this woman, have time to care for a toddler?
This is why Jade wasn’t placed there before. Because she was so busy with work and her own children the department saw that with a pre-schooler and toddler, the placement would be likely to fail.
What on earth could have changed so much that now she is a good choice for these children?
Why did the department not offer more help and resources to keep Jade and her brother with the other family?

My guess is Aunty and Grandma stomped their feet and threw an adult tantrum. It’s not the first time. They did it while Jade was with us. Demanding we drive Jade all over the place at their beck and call, and never making a compromise. Instead of meeting us part way so poor baby Jade didn’t have to do all the travelling, they pushed for us to drive her over an hour to visit them. They would threaten to go to the media about the department not allowing them to see their family members and complained long and loud about us being uncooperative. But never did they put the needs of Jade first.

I know for Father’s day there was a problem because Jade’s new mum didn’t ring Aunty’s brother (bio dad). When new mum explained she can’t, that all communication had to go through the department, the family threw a tantrum and never made contact for Jade’s first birthday. No presents, no cards, no phone calls, not even a text message.

How can this woman be a good role model for Jade?
How can she be a good placement for her?

We have let our agency know about this situation and made it know that if/when (and we believe it will be when) the placement fails we will take Jade back in a heartbeat. Don’t even ring us and ask, just ring us and tell us she is on the way. Sadly, they are just as cynical as we are about this placement being successful.

I was devastated when I heard about this development and now, I am mad. Very mad.

Decisions being made that really don’t look like they are in the best interest of the child, but rather, the easiest option for the department when dealing with super sized tantrum throwing toddlers. Why is it that he who stomps the loudest get what they want and the needs of the children come second?  Sadly this isn’t the first time we’ve heard of a birth family getting what they want from stomping and being difficult. When will the department stand up and fight harder for the children?

Here’s hoping I’m wrong. That Aunty has changed and will be a great place for Jade because that poor little girl is 17 months old and is in her 4th placement already, and considering she was with us for 10 of those months, this is totally unacceptable to us.
To think that our darling girl has had to move again and may have to move yet again breaks my heart.

She deserves so much more than that.

All children deserve so much more than that.