And the answer is…

I am not done having babies, apparently.

Last week I rang our agency  to chat with my support worker and who should answer the phone? None other than the placement lady. It feels like forever since we spoke.

I mentioned that the purpose of my call was to chat about maybe a baby in about a months time and what do you know, she has a baby girl needing placement within the next 2 weeks.

In a strange turn of events it has been me putting up the reasons why we should say no to this placement and it’s been MM talking me into it. So much for him being my voice of reason.

Bonnie and Tyla are excited. I’m enjoying preparing for our newest addition and MM keeps adding more girls to his family. That poor man! We really need to foster a little boy, just so there is another boy in the house. Even our new dog is a girl!

So, tomorrow, little Camryn will be joining our little family for an undetermied amount of time.

If anyone had told me a few years ago when i started on this journey that I would find myself with 3 children,  I would have laughed at them.

If anyone had said I would have 3 under 4 years of age, I would have laughed so hard I would have done that snorty laugh.

In a weird way, I thank that gynecologist for telling me to find a new dream because I would never have planned to have 3 children, much less so close together in age, but, this is our crazy life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

 

 

 

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How do you know when enough is enough?

The dilema so many families face.

How do you know when you have enough children?

Did you always know how many children you wanted?

What is that moment that makes you say,  “yep, all done, no more children”?

As I pack away little Tyla’s size 1 clothes, I wonder will there be another little girl to wear them or is it time to pack them up and donate them to another family?

I’m not sure that I want another long term placement, but what about emergency placements? Or short term?

While I would like to take in more children in the future, we have to think of Bonnie and Tyla first. How will they cope with other children coming and going? Are they old enough to understand?

Then there’s sleep. I mean, Tyla is finally sleeping through the night. Do I really want to go back to night time feedings?

MM is amazing. He just reminds me that I will be doing most of the work as he will be working and he really doesnt hear the babies in the night. He hasn’t said enough is enough. He did get me a bigger car. I take that as a yes vote for more babies.

We recently watched Dumbo, something I had never seen as a child, and later Bonnie was playing and told me that this little fella (her toy) had lost his mummy. So the conversation we had was about us looking after him until we could find him a new mummy. She thought that was a good idea. So, I continued on with telling her that sometimes little babies lose their mummies, and maybe we could look after them until we find them a new mummy too. She asked if it would be a boy or a girl baby, because she would like a boy baby.

So, we’ve started chatting with the girls about the prospect of maybe looking after a baby, and with the school holidays coming up, I’m thinking it might be a good time to take a short placement, just for the holidays, to see how we all cope.

How will little Tyla go with being promoted from family baby to big sister and middle child? She LOVES babies. We cant go anywhere without her finding a baby to smile at and wave to, and if one should cry she will tell you they need food. But thats very different from living with a little tiny person.

How will Bonnie go with two little siblings?

Now the girls are in big girl beds we have not one but two empty cots in our room. Looking at me.

Looking empty.

Looking very empty.

Is it time?

 

 

Mother’s Day blessings

For those who are struggling with infertility, I know your pain and I know how hard this day is. A day that you want so desperately to be a mother, yet it hasn’t happened and you know it may never happen biologically for you. It’s one of the hardest days in the year. A day to celebrate your mum but on the inside is just pain and frustration at not being a mum yourself.

Last year was a day of mixed emotion for me. A day to celebrate the beautiful little Jade in our lives. A gorgeous little lady who stole our hearts and for whom we still shed a tear every now and then from missing her so much.

This year we have Bonnie and Raj. Raj who will be leaving us in the next couple of weeks and both MM and myself are so happy for him and more importantly, for the people that will have this giggly little boy in their family. I have my fingers crossed that he will go to a couple struggling with infertility, to make their dreams come true.

Bonnie is a blessing in a different way. She calls me mum. To this little lady I am the mummy one. I’m the one there in the middle of the night when the nightmares come after access visits to hug her and comfort her. I’m the one there to help her up when she falls over while she’s learning to walk and the one there for “more” horsie rides around the lounge room. This bonnie wee lass has filled the hole in our hearts when Jade left in a way I couldn’t have imagined. She has only been here 5 months, but, she is such a good fit in our home that it’s hard to imagine her not being with us. Only time will tell. In the mean time we will enjoy every minute we get to watch her learn and grow. Giggle at her funny little ways and hold her close when she struggles with the access visits.

Has motherhood come to me how I had hoped or planned?
No.
But, this is motherhood as I know it, and I wouldn’t change a thing.
Being the foster mum to these precious children brings more joy than I could have imagined.
For those struggling with infertility, hang in there. Motherhood will come to you if  you open your heart and mind to other ways of making your wishes come true.
Being a foster parent is the most amazing experience. I can honestly say that I am glad that life chose this path for me.

 

“Have a baby” they said

“Have a baby, you’ll make such a great mum” they said.

But what they don’t tell you makes me wonder if it’s part of a conspiracy.

Are all sleep deprived mums banding together to get the next ‘sucker’ with their “you’ll be great line”?

Or have they not experienced the pleasure of counting their hours of sleep on one hand?

Am I the only mum out there with a little one who has suddenly decided that sleep is no longer high on her list of priorities?
The only mum who’s little bubba has decided instead or getting sleepy and being tucked in and falling asleep, to now feel the need to be hugged and cuddled until she’s asleep and even then she will probably wake as soon as you try to put her down so you have to start the whole process again?

Am I the only mum, who sometimes in the middle of the night finds myself crying along with the inconsolable infant in my arms. Feeling helpless.
Feeling useless.
Feeling like maybe I am just not cut out for motherhood?

Am I the only one wondering why people don’t call and say, “Hey baby is 9 months now, the world you were comfortable in is about to get tipped upside down”.

Has no other baby been through this?

Have I done something wrong?

Too many cuddles? Not enough cuddles? Going to her too quickly when she cries? Not getting there quickly enough?

Is it just because she has a cold and needs extra loves?

Is a developmental stage?

Is it me?

So many questions and no answers.

So many views online. Let them cry it out, don’t let them cry it out. Co-sleep, don’t co-sleep.

At the end of the day, all I know is….

I love this little baby to the moon and back, and it causes me pain to hear her crying and then I wonder what am I doing?

Do I regret having this little baby in our home? No.

Am I complaining about being sleep deprived? No.

I just want ‘my’ baby to be happy, to sleep, to know she is loved, to know she is safe and when she’s crying up a storm I just don’t if I am doing that.

It makes me wonder why no other mums tell you about the hard stuff.

Did they not go through it?

Did they forget about it?

Is the love for these precious little people so strong it gives them selective amnesia?